I once had a healer tell me they had a vision of me wrapped up in vines. These vines wrapped all around my chest, arms, and throat, constricting me and my ability to breathe. I was told to go home and meditate on this in order to understand it better. So that night I went home and set space for myself. I rolled my out my yoga mat, put on music, lit candles, incense, and packed my bowl with the best cannabis I had. I remember shaking with nerves as I sat in easy pose at the top of my mat, eyes closed and bowl in hand, unsure of what was about to be exposed. I took a deep breath, set my intention for higher self awareness, imbibed, and allowed the journey to unfold. Right away I felt immense pressure and weight on my chest. My breathing was shallow and rapid. My stomach in knots. I attempted to shake off the discomfort with asanas, flowing with the music, yoking the breath with the postures, yet nothing was settling me. Something inside me whispered to lay down and sit with the discomfort. I was afraid, I had never done that before. I was always running from discomfort, trying to keep it as far away as possible, avoiding it at all costs. I took one more hit of cannabis and surrendered to my mat. I stopped trying to figure anything out, I simply lied there, palms up, feeling the weight of the floor underneath me. I remember the energetics of that moment, the feeling of letting go. It was like I stepped off a hamster wheel that I had been treading for years. All this time I had been running, running, and running but from what? I didn't know, I just knew that in that moment of surrender, I felt relieved, like I had just passed the baton to a teammate that I had full confidence and trust in. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. I was safe. I lay there present to the tightness that still encompassed my chest and asked myself,
"What is this?" In no time at all, across my minds eye there it was, written in big bold red letters... ANXIETY.
I paused there for a moment to let that sink in....wow. "This is anxiety?" "I have anxiety?" Surprisingly, a wave of comfort washed over me. It felt good to identify. This thing had become so close to me I could't even see it, I just thought it was me. 'That's just who I am.' Now I could see myself apart from this thing. All of a sudden there was me and then there was this thing, but now it had a name. It was an experience I was having but it wasn't the truth of who I was. I felt a wholeness come over me that I hadn't felt since I was a child. I then asked, "What can I do about this?" What happened next is what I now know and call a download, (an intuitive message) something I'm quite familiar with now but back in 2016, this was brand spanking new for me. I was told, "You must learn how to breathe and learn how to love yourself." Those words rang so true in my heart and hit me with a force that hurled my body into the fetal position. I cried a gut wrenching cry that washed me clean. When there were no more tears to cry I uncoiled my body and returned to the mat palms facing up. With hot and swollen eyes, I repeated to myself over and over again. "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." That was the night I became aware of my path. Self-love and awareness is a journey but it's the most beautiful journey one can take. I think back on this night often and this 2016 version of myself; I have so much love and admiration for her. She was so brave and I thank her for her courage that evening. She didn't know what it would lead to but I'm incredibly grateful she was willing to find out. I still have anxiety to this day but it doesn't get very far. I know how to stop it in its tracks. These days it shows up as an ally, pointing me in the direction of further love and growth.
- Love you friends. Stay connected.